Tuesday, 29 November 2011

Good Belly, Bad Brain

Sometimes, events occur which remind you who you are. Sometimes in life, we realise we're not where we thought we were. Sometimes, I forget that I have Bipolar Disorder. It's an horrific infliction, which tears the mind and heart in two. I spend a great deal of time feeling productive, proactive, full of energy and ideas, and unstoppable. This is fantastic and gives me a real glow of vitality, however it can go beyond that point and into manic, impulsive behaviour that can be very destructive. Fortunately, I've been prescribed some very powerful medication, which takes the manic edge off my behaviour, but still allows the huge highs and good feelings that the Bipolar can bring. Of course, to every coin there are two sides. The other side of Bipolar Disorder is one of bleak darkness and seemingly endless doubt and despair. Some people call it Depression, but that is a word that is used far too commonly to describe a bad mood. This is not a bad mood, it's a life-changing and debilitating state of mind that cannot be controlled or altered by any internal means. It fills the mind and heart with doubt, guilt, sadness and gut-wrenching pain, that will not cease until it decides to. Some people are able to ride it out, others aren't. The ones that aren't are not weak and not selfish, they are simply poor souls who simply are not equipped to cope with the overwhelming pain. As for me, there have been times during which I have doubted my capacity to cope, but for now and for the foreseeable future, I will continue to fight with every breath.

My current state of mind is what the professionals call a Depressive Episode. There is nothing I can do about it apart from attempt to continue to make sound decisions and give myself the best possible chance to feel well. This episode could last for six months, six days or six hours. I simply do not know how I will feel and what my mind will allow me to do from one day to the next. All I can do is refuse to give up and do everything in my limited power to remain on the positive path in this life of mine. From my experience, the likelihood is that I will feel fantastic tomorrow, but I have no way of knowing this.

Something wonderful has taken place over the last two days. I've met an astonishingly beautiful and incredible woman, called Sara. We have fallen for each other and are now a couple. This is good news, and I just hope beyond all hope that this relationship works and I continue to make the correct decisions that are conducive to a happy existence for both of us.

In terms of my diet, I'm still doing it. In terms of my weight loss, it's still happening. In terms of my training, it's still happening. As I'm sure you can tell, however, it is now simply a way of life and seems to be taking place naturally, allowing my life to develop around it.

Next week, I will weigh myself and hit you with some vital stats, but for now, enjoy yourselves and I'll see you very soon.


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