Sunday, 18 September 2011


I sit at my keyboard, wondering what to write this week, the end of week five. last week, I showed you all the fruits of my labour. I truly am astonished by the rate at which my body is dropping weight. It really does reinforce the work I do on a daily basis.

Today, I woke up in a bad mood and could think of hundreds of places I'd rather have gone than the gym. Despite this, I grudgingly put on my gym clothes and went, leaving the house with a face like a smacked arse as I did so. 2.5 miles later, I arrived, did my time and walked home. Did I enjoy my workout? Not really. Did the workout release a torrent of endorphins into my system? Not particularly. Did I get home, feeling proud that I've made enough progress to still go to the gym, even when I really don't want to? Definitely. I think this is the most important element of what I'm doing, the strength to keep going, even though the novelty has worn off.

A few weeks ago, I asked my Psychiatrist how I could maintain momentum, even when my desire to train began to diminish. His answer was simple: 'When the novelty wears off and you no longer possess the explosive energy and enthusiasm to train, you must employ the part of your mind that remembers where you started from and why you're doing it in the first place', or words to that effect. This couldn't be more true. What is my reason for eating so well, resisting the urge to gorge myself and instead bust my arse at the gym, day in and day out? The reason is reason itself. How fucking miserable have I been over the last few years? To an unquantifiable extent. To what extent did I resent myself for allowing myself to turn into such a waste of space? Very much so. How much better do I feel now? Exponentially. How excited am I at the prospect of reaching my goal and achieving what I set out to do? I'm as excited as a four year old on Christmas Eve. 

So, that is my reason: My refusal to lose control and return to the feelings of abject misery that haunted me for so long. I will keep pushing, every day, and I won't stop until I've done what I set out to do. It's going to be tough, but It's so important to me that I finish what I've started this time, otherwise the eternal whirlpool of failure will capture me once more.

Tomorrow is the start of a new week, and it brings with it the opportunity to prove to myself yet again, that I'm worth something.

'It is said that life is defined by cause and effect, but this formula lacks the most important element, choice. Without choice, we cannot understand the cause, and thus, cannot justify the effect.'

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