Meditation And Crossing Roads Without Dying

Holy shit, what a week. Firstly, since The Huffington Post wrote a piece on my weight loss, I've received an incredible amount of feedback and gained many blog followers. For this, I'm really very thankful. The purpose of my blog from the outset was two-fold. Firstly, I wanted to write my thoughts and feelings in the public domain in order to keep me motivated. Secondly, I hoped that the blog would serve as a way in which to support and motivate others. I have received many messages from people who have told me I'm an inspiration. This is truly humbling and it means a lot to me that my words have the capacity to give hope to others. This journey is a difficult one, but a possible one. Nothing in this life that means a lot, is simple to achieve.
  
I started my new job today and it really is brilliant to be back in the world of work, particularly doing something that I care about. It will be interesting to find out how this new career pans out, particularly in combination with my artistic ventures. Maybe the two will mix, who knows. As a result of my new employment, my exercise routine will have to be adjusted accordingly, which is actually convenient as my body has become accustomed to my activity level and my weight loss is consequently at a current stand still. What I intend to do is walk to and from work Monday - Thursday, which is around six and a half miles per day. Additionally to that, I'll try to get to the gym Tuesday - Thursday after work, walking to and from as usual. Consequently, my walking will increase substantially. My work at the gym will mainly be with weights, with a dash of cardio to keep things moving. Walking to work is fantastic, as a three mile walk is usually what it takes for my brain to reach a level of activity and efficiency conducive to functionality, vis a vis blinking, breathing and talking. What is also particularly satisfying, is walking past all the pasty-faced, lard-arsed misery balls on their buses, knowing I'll get to work before them and will be less likely to have a heart attack on my doorstep. Unfortunately, my legendary road-crossing skills will be put to the test on a regular basis. 

Now I'm earning money akin to a real human, I will be able to actually buy things, which is a novel idea. These things will include clothes as I am, in essence, a tramp. I'm still wearing the same clothes I was 95lbs ago and look rather like Josh at the end of Big, when he turns back into a kid. Either that or I look like a sixteen year old, who's borrowed his Dad's suit for his Court hearing. Either way, I need some new shit. I will also now be able to spend my weekends in Haverhill, with my gorgeous Sara. life is good.

I went for a Psychological assessment on Monday, in order to ascertain which type of therapy will be most helpful to me. It was an interesting process and the best quote of the day was this from the Psychologist, in response to my description of my thought process, 'You must be exhausted'. Yep, pretty much, my old mucker! His conclusion was that I would benefit from a form of meditation therapy called Mindfulness, which, although slightly Hippyish, actually does have scientific basis. Awesome, right? I get meditation on the NHS. I'm fully aware that I may become a Buddhist as a result of this.

 In the mean time, I'm going to do my thing and see how much weight I lose. I'll report back next week with some stats.


Later, potater.
 

Photoshopped

A couple of cool things happened today. Firstly, I was offered a job at a wonderful company, starting next week. Secondly, an article was released in the Huffington Post, detailing the story of my weight loss. It can be found here. My favourite part of the article is a cynical comment from a dopey fuck called 'Nitpicker', claiming that one of my photos had been Photoshopped. This was such a back-handed compliment, that I couldn't bring myself to be anything other than flattered. Well, I do feel slightly sorry for his/her gene pool, but it takes all sorts to make a world.

My weight loss is currently hovering around the seven stone mark. I believe, in the trade, this is known as a Gateau, which I assume is a reference to eating cake being a barrier to weight loss. It's slightly irritating. I've discussed this with Sara and a couple of other people and, in all honesty, if it weren't for the fact I previously aimed to lose ten stone, I probably would have stopped trying to lose more by now. I'm at a weight that I reel really comfortable with and I'm happier than I've ever been. I'd quite happily stop trying to lose weight at this point, but I shall push on and see what happens. This, however begs the question: Do I do what I set out to do or do I stop, knowing that I've reached my physical and emotional goals? It's a big question, the answer to which I do not know.

Another interesting development is the fact my life is about to get a lot busier. As well as all this working out bollocks, I'm juggling my business and a new venture, the aforementioned new job. It will be interesting to see what impact this has on my development.

I have an appointment at the Polar bear hospital on Monday, which will involve a full psychological assessment, in order to ascertain the sort of Psycho therapy I need. I hope they're ready, because opening this particular box of tricks should be an interesting experience for all involved. I may be feeling immeasurably better than I ever have, but my brain is an unpredictable mistress, which still surprises me daily. I'll let y'all know how that shit goes down. Sorry, I went all Ghetto then.

One thing I need to overcome is the psychological relationship between exercise and mood. Sometimes, life gets in the way and I may go a few days without going to the gym. When this happens, my mind tells me that I no longer look like my 'after' photos and have instead reverted to my previous physical state, that of Jabba the Hut, in a Sauna, eating Jupiter because it looks a bit like a pizza. This is bollocks, clearly, but it's not unheard of to feel awfully guilty. I need to teach my mind that it's not only OK to take it easy and rest, but a very important element in general health.

Anyway, I'm off to Photoshop some pictures of my gut. Laters.

Fleeting Visit

Well, it's the end of week twenty two and as promised, I'm here. I weighed and measured myself yesterday, to mark five months since the beginning of my new life.

Start - 12/08/2011                          End of week 22 - 14/01/2012

Weight - 168 kg                             Weight - 125 kg                                 
Chest - 53 ins                                         Chest - 46 ins                                         
Waist - 57 ins                                 Waist - 44.5 ins

So, in the space of five months, I've lost 43kg, which equates to around 95lbs. I've also lost a total of 12.5 inches from my waist and 12.5 units from my BMI. I still have a way to go, but the changes to my life are immeasurable. The scales and the tape measure only tell you so much....

Anyway, this is but a fleeting visit to blog land, as I'm off to the pub. Tomorrow I'll write something proper.

Later.

Learning How To Use A See Saw Properly

It's the end of week twenty one and I feel my last entry (fnarr) was a bit angry, so I'm sorry about that that. I still maintain the sentiment that I resent the media's representation of what it is to be healthy and the opinion that food is evil and must be avoided, unless it's green and 90% water. I'm a firm believer in the notion that a healthy body and mind can be achieved by balance.

Christmas/New Year was an interesting experience and, although I didn't entirely go arse over tit off the wagon, I did indulge in a way that the only the festive period can bring. This is my point: I indulged when the occasion called for it, but now it's over, I'm back to eating a healthy, balanced diet, with tasty goodness in moderation. Learning how to control portions and the frequency of treats is imperative to changing my life permanently. I can't maintain a Nazi regime of eating nothing but super healthy food and I can't let my old demons come back and make me lose control. The key is balance and this is something I'm learning to better manage every day.

The festive season coupled with time away from the gym has meant that, for the first time since this began, I haven't lost any weight. in fact, I've gained a whole pound. This doesn't concern me, partly because it is part of the bigger picture and partly because my morning shit tomorrow will probably weight double that. Here are the facts and figures:


Start - 12/08/2011                          End of week 21 - 08/01/2012

Weight - 168 kg                             Weight - 127 kg                                 
Chest - 53 ins                                         Chest - 46 ins                                         
Waist - 57 ins                                 Waist - 45 ins

The usual applies. for previous results, check the previous entries (again, fnarr). You might notice I've left out the measurements of my vital appendages, well, most of them. I've decided that the changes with these are negligible, so will only measure those on a monthly basis.

As this is a special occasion, and the weight has moved marginally in the wrong direction, I will conduct a special weigh in this Friday, 13th January. It will mark my five months in this new life. I will ignore the fact that it's Friday 13th and assume nothing mental will happen, like me falling off the scales and breaking my neck, or decapitating myself on a wayward dumbbell.

'in the playground of life, the best we can hope for is finding someone who's good on a see saw'.

See you next week.
 

Lessons

It's the end of week twenty. Lessons have been learned over the last four months and I wish to share these with you. It's the New Year, and many, many people out there will have decided to to lose some weight and increase their general health, but the majority of these people will fail:

Christmas is done and dusted for another year. Did I eat like a saint over this period? No. Did I gain weight as a result? No. In fact, I don't eat like a saint at all any more. Making the decision to change my life for the better has indeed brought with it a sharp learning curve. The mistake that so many dieters make is self-explanatory – they're dieting. Dieting brings with it deprivation and, ultimately, resentment. The vast majority of people who crash diet, end up gaining all the weight they've lost and then some. This is a trap that many, many people fall into. Why? Because as a species, we seek quick fixes and magic spells in order to reach the goals we create for ourselves. I'm determined not to fall into this trap. If I completely deny myself the pleasures that food can provide, I will resent the process and it won't take long at all for me to quit and go back to my old ways. If you dangle a chocolate carrot in front of my face for long enough, I'll bite your fucking hand off and probably eat you for pudding. I need to allow myself to eat the food I enjoy, in moderation. What is moderation? For me, it's eating one bag of hula hoops a couple of times a week, rather than an Irish Potato Famine -inducing warehouse of Pringles. My problem has never been the types of food I've eaten, but the sheer volume of it. I cannot pretend to myself that I don't have an addiction to food, one that has manifested from emotional emptiness.

It angers me a great deal, well not a great deal, in fact, I couldn't really give that much of a fuck, but I don't like the preachy bullshit that swamps the media about food being the ultimate evil. We're being taught to see pleasure as something to feel guilty about. 'Don't eat that cake, or you'll hate yourself'. Fuck that. Eat the bloody cake but go to the gym afterwards. 'Take this pill and you'll lose weight'. Again, fuck that. There are plenty of liquids under my kitchen sink that will make me shit my lungs out, but why would I want that?

This entire process of changing my relationship with food has taught me a lot. I want to be able to maintain this for the rest of my life and the only way I will be able to do this is by eating a balanced diet, with a moderate amount of the foods I enjoy. Combined with decent levels of physical activity, that's all I need to reduce my weight to a healthy level and keep it there. I've learned that lesson well and am beginning to forgive myself for the occasional piece of chocolate or bag of crisps. There's absolutely no way I can live my life as a food Nazi. Some people can, and good for them, but I will not be one of them. I want quality of life as well as quantity. The method I adopted at the beginning of this process was the right one, but what I've come to realise is that the goal posts ultimately need to be moved in order for the change to be a permanent one.

Consequently, my weight loss will slow down and I'm prepared for this. This has long since stopped being a race for numbers for me. I lost an obscene amount of weight in the first four months of this exercise and I'm exceptionally proud of myself for doing so, but now I see the bigger picture and am feeling better about myself than I ever have. I'm here to make and attempt to fix the problems in my life one by one, and have realised how one problem solved, solves many more by default. I'm here to control the amount of food I eat, simple as. I'm here to maintain an active lifestyle, which is no longer a chore but something I truly enjoy, as the benefits are so huge. The bottom line is that I feel fantastic. I'm energetic, productive and feel a tranquillity in my previously storm-riddled mind that surprises me every day.

When I first decided that I wanted to change my life, as expected, I went in all guns blazing and made major changes to my lifestyle that were necessary for me to facilitate a healthier lifestyle, but things have changed and I've come to realise that I can enjoy life, food and things that might not be the most healthy in the world and still have a healthy lifestyle. This is somewhat of a revelation to me, as things have taken a turn. This is me now and this is how I will remain. I will continue to lose weight until I reach a point at which the charts tell me I'm not going to die of a heart attack imminently.

This no nonsense approach makes a great deal more sense to me than the calorie-counting, portion-measuring bullshit. This method will work and I will show the world that they can ignore of the propaganda in the media about weight loss and instead do it my way, which is much more fun.

It may seem to you that I'm being flippant about health, but this is not the case. I respect the need for a healthy lifestyle but have learned to pay attention to my body and recondition the way I think. Eating excessively is not good for you. Being a lazy fuck and doing no exercise is also bad for you. Therefore, a little less lard and a little more movement is all that's needed. I'm nearly three quarters of the way to my weight target and much of it has been achieved by exercising. I changed the way I ate but people around me were seeing my dinners and wondered how I was losing weight at all. The truth is, with a bit of savvy about nutrition and some common sense, it's pretty straight forward. I won't deny that I've worked hard to achieve what I have. I've worked fucking hard. I've rewired my brain and this cannot be done over night. The first couple of weeks of this lifestyle change were spent in agony from the gym and with my stomach doing somersaults of psychosomatic hunger. It was a shock tactic and it paid off. You have to listen to your body but your body also needs to listen to you. 'Oi, stomach, fuck off and get used to it. Oi, body, get a grip. This is how we're doing things from now on.' It worked.

I feel I have been offensive enough for one blog. Rest assured, I'm still taking my lifestyle seriously and the benefits are still evident for all to see, but more importantly, my body and brain both like me these days. We're getting along swimmingly. I'll be back in a week with some stats.

Laters.

Trimmings

It's Christmas Eve in Belly and Brain land and all is well with both. I've been working very hard over the last four months and fully intend to continue doing so, however, no one likes a Nazi, so I intend to do what humans are meant to do during this period and that is to eat and drink til the cows come home, or Boxing day, whichever comes first. Life is about being realistic. I will enjoy myself as I deserve to and give the gym a good spanking, once I'm full of Turkey and wine.

The last week or so has been great. I've been spending a lot of time, although not enough, with my Sara, who is wonderful. I've been training hard, eating well and feeling positive.

Here are some Christmas stats:

Start - 12/08/2011                          End of week 19 - 24/12/2011

Weight - 168 kg                             Weight - 126.4 kg                                 
Chest - 53 ins                                         Chest - 46 ins                                         
Waist - 57 ins                                 Waist - 45 ins
Upper Arm left - 18 ins                    Upper Arm left - 16.4 ins
Forearm left - 14 ins                        Forearm left - 13 ins
Upper Arm right - 17 ins                  Upper Arm right - 16 ins
Forearm left - 13.5 ins                     Forearm right - 13 ins
Thigh left - 34 ins                           Thigh left - 28 ins
Calf left - 21 ins                              Calf left - 19.5 ins
Thigh right - 34 ins                          Thigh right - 27.5 ins
Calf right - 22 ins                            Calf right - 20 ins


So, my weight loss is slowing down significantly, which is to be expected, but it's continues to travel in the right direction. I've reached a landmark, in that my weight has fallen below the twenty stone mark for the first time in around five years. I've lost six and a half stone in just over four months, which leaves me with three and a half stone to lose in the next eight months. With hard work and sensible decisions, it's definitely achievable.


For those who haven't yet seen it, check out the article about me in the latest Bromley Times. Click here to give it a look.


So, for now, enjoy your Christmas. Eat, drink and enjoy being with your families.


x

Easy Peasy

I bear good news: I have made a full and swift recovery from my man flu. Unfortunately, I have infected my Sara. I think she'll make a recovery, but it's touch and go.

I have very little to report this week, other than a feeling of general happiness and contentment, thanks to the beautiful Sara, who inspires me every day.

I saw my Psychiatrist last week, who has amended my medication again. I'll keep you updated with how mental this will make me.


I'm so accustomed to this new lifestyle of mine, that it barely enters my mind any more. I just continue to make sensible decisions with food and continue to wobble my arse in the gym. I'm still enjoying the exercise and feel the benefits after each and every work out.


I'm still aiming to have lost seven stone by Christmas. Due to this, I won't be weighing in this weekend. Instead I'll have a special festive weigh in on Christmas Eve. Can you contain your excitement until then?


I really would like to write something profound tonight, but it's difficult to do so when everything is ship shape and shiny in Belly and Brain. Who knows, maybe next week I'll have a nervous breakdown or gain half a stone. Otherwise, I'll just have to think of something entertaining to say.


Until next time, have fun and don't miss me too much.

Looking After Mr Cerebrum

Week sixteen is over and I've had the opportunity to reflect on the last few days, especially on my last blog post. 

The mind is an unpredictable thing and in order to give yourself the best chance of success and happiness, you must listen to both your body and your mind. I have, historically, neglected to take proper care of both and have suffered the consequences. This new life is centred around making sound judgements and logical decisions. This is something I try to do every day.

Since my genitals came out of hibernation, my body has begun to resemble that of a legitimate human and my state of mind has become much more reasonable, I've actually managed to find a girlfriend, and my Christ, she's a belter. It's always good to have purpose and I've found this in the last few months, but now I also have someone amazing to share the joys, challenges and adventures that every day life brings.

Anyway, I have a stinking cold and quite frankly cannot be arsed to write this blog, so on to the nitty gritty of the stats. Here goes:

Start - 12/08/2011                          End of week 16 - 04/12/2011

Weight - 168 kg                             Weight - 128.2 kg                                 
Chest - 53 ins                                         Chest - 47 ins                                         
Waist - 57 ins                                 Waist - 46 ins
Upper Arm left - 18 ins                    Upper Arm left - 16.8 ins
Forearm left - 14 ins                        Forearm left - 13.1 ins
Upper Arm right - 17 ins                  Upper Arm right - 15.8 ins
Forearm left - 13.5 ins                     Forearm right - 13 ins
Thigh left - 34 ins                           Thigh left - 28.8 ins
Calf left - 21 ins                              Calf left - 19.8
Thigh right - 34 ins                          Thigh right - 27.5 ins
Calf right - 22 ins                            Calf right - 20.2 ins

The usual applies, if you want to see the previous results, you can find them in my previous entries (fnarr).

It has to be said that my Christmas target of six stone has been surpassed, so I'm changing it to seven stone.


I bid thee farewell, as my man flu is terminal.


I'll see you next week.

Good Belly, Bad Brain

Sometimes, events occur which remind you who you are. Sometimes in life, we realise we're not where we thought we were. Sometimes, I forget that I have Bipolar Disorder. It's an horrific infliction, which tears the mind and heart in two. I spend a great deal of time feeling productive, proactive, full of energy and ideas, and unstoppable. This is fantastic and gives me a real glow of vitality, however it can go beyond that point and into manic, impulsive behaviour that can be very destructive. Fortunately, I've been prescribed some very powerful medication, which takes the manic edge off my behaviour, but still allows the huge highs and good feelings that the Bipolar can bring. Of course, to every coin there are two sides. The other side of Bipolar Disorder is one of bleak darkness and seemingly endless doubt and despair. Some people call it Depression, but that is a word that is used far too commonly to describe a bad mood. This is not a bad mood, it's a life-changing and debilitating state of mind that cannot be controlled or altered by any internal means. It fills the mind and heart with doubt, guilt, sadness and gut-wrenching pain, that will not cease until it decides to. Some people are able to ride it out, others aren't. The ones that aren't are not weak and not selfish, they are simply poor souls who simply are not equipped to cope with the overwhelming pain. As for me, there have been times during which I have doubted my capacity to cope, but for now and for the foreseeable future, I will continue to fight with every breath.

My current state of mind is what the professionals call a Depressive Episode. There is nothing I can do about it apart from attempt to continue to make sound decisions and give myself the best possible chance to feel well. This episode could last for six months, six days or six hours. I simply do not know how I will feel and what my mind will allow me to do from one day to the next. All I can do is refuse to give up and do everything in my limited power to remain on the positive path in this life of mine. From my experience, the likelihood is that I will feel fantastic tomorrow, but I have no way of knowing this.

Something wonderful has taken place over the last two days. I've met an astonishingly beautiful and incredible woman, called Sara. We have fallen for each other and are now a couple. This is good news, and I just hope beyond all hope that this relationship works and I continue to make the correct decisions that are conducive to a happy existence for both of us.

In terms of my diet, I'm still doing it. In terms of my weight loss, it's still happening. In terms of my training, it's still happening. As I'm sure you can tell, however, it is now simply a way of life and seems to be taking place naturally, allowing my life to develop around it.

Next week, I will weigh myself and hit you with some vital stats, but for now, enjoy yourselves and I'll see you very soon.

x

Listening to Your Body When it Has the Hump With You

Evening, all! Well, it's the end of week fourteen and I've been a busy boy this week, so busy in fact that this is going to have to be a rather brief blog entry and certainly not up to the standard of last week's War and Peace.

I've been painting a lot this week. I've had a few commissions for portraits and consequently, I've spent a lot of time doing those. Now you might not think this to be the case, but painting photo realistic portraits is a seriously knackering process. I'm good at concentrating at the best of times, so it's a real challenge, but I do love it.

For the best part of this week, I've been exhausted, in fact, I'd go as far as to say I've been fatigued. It transpires that I haven't been eating enough. Seriously, pick yourselves off the floor. Me, Big Trev, has not been eating enough. I never thought I'd be saying that! Joking aside, I've been so tired and sluggish this week. In fact I felt faint yesterday and realised I needed to eat more. By no means was I trying to starve myself, but I definitely wasn't consuming enough carbohydrates. So I've reassessed my diet and have starting eating potatoes and rice again. I already feel a hell of a lot better. So this week has been a lesson in listening to the messages my body is giving me and acting accordingly.

Anyway, on to the vital statistics. Here they are:


Start - 12/08/2011                          End of week 14 - 20/11/2011

Weight - 168 kg                             Weight - 132.9 kg                                 
Chest - 53 ins                                         Chest - 47.5 ins                                         
Waist - 57 ins                                 Waist - 47.5 ins
Upper Arm left - 18 ins                    Upper Arm left - 17.2 ins
Forearm left - 14 ins                        Forearm left - 13.8 ins
Upper Arm right - 17 ins                  Upper Arm right - 16.5 ins
Forearm left - 13.5 ins                     Forearm right - 13.6 ins
Thigh left - 34 ins                           Thigh left - 29.1 ins
Calf left - 21 ins                              Calf left - 20 ins
Thigh right - 34 ins                          Thigh right - 29.1 ins
Calf right - 22 ins                            Calf right - 20.9 ins

As always, to see previous results, look at my previous entries (ooh er, missus etc). I've now lost five and a half stone, which is awesome.

As I said earlier, I must dash, but I'll be back next Sunday with more fun and games.

Oh, yes, a quote, erm....

'Try to think of your body and you mind as separate entities. You must take action to take care of your body and make sound decisions. If you do this, your body has a way of returning the favour'.

See you next week. 

Hung, Drawn and Quartered

It's the end of week thirteen and today marks three months since I began this new life of mine, so it seems fitting to take this opportunity to reflect upon the last three months and the changes that have taken place, both externally and internally, to belly and brain.

Three months ago, I was monumentally miserable and made excuses for it. In fact, so unhappy was I that I actually didn't think I was. I had lost the gift of insight and was living in denial. Yes, I have underlying mental health difficulties, but what I failed to realise was that the buck stopped with me. I could either choose to accept my circumstances and work around them, or live a life of excuses and endlessly searching for something or someone to blame for my unhappiness. I had run out of things to blame...

I had lived my life in a bubble for the four years that preceded my decision to change things forever. I had failed to truly accept how terribly I'd let myself go and indeed, let myself down. After Dad was taken from me, my life changed. I had lost the one person I really listened to and who had the ability to make me think twice about my actions. However, I was a man and should have possessed the ability to be accountable for my own actions and to take responsibility for myself. Over a period of four years, I gained weight. Why did I gain weight? I developed a relationship with food that was dangerously unhealthy. If I had something to celebrate, I would eat. If I had something to commiserate, I would eat. If I was worried about something, I would eat. I wasn't even eating socially. I became a secret eater. I would prepare food and eat when I knew no one would see me ans see the mammoth portions I was consuming. I would shut myself away and be alone, with food filling my stomach, but not the void in my heart. Unfortunately, I was only able to keep my eating a secret for so long. Eventually, the weight began to pile on and it was obvious to everyone who saw me that I was eating a lot. I then changed my image accordingly. I became Big Trev, the bug guy with the big appetite. I tried to accept the fact I was a fat man and tried in vain to show the world that I was comfortable with this and content.

The weight continued to pile on and I became unable to wear the flamboyant clothes I loved so much. I became Big Trev in the T Shirt and jeans.

Not only was I now fat, but the strain my eating had on my body rendered me unable to perform physically as I previously could. I became a sweaty, breathless, lethargic waster. Once I realised I couldn't run and be physically active, I stopped trying to. My energy levels diminished to the point of finding it difficult to even leave the house.

One day, I bent over to put my shoes on and realised I couldn't breath. My gut was now so large that when I bent over, it would push against my lungs. I was now beginning to realise what I'd done to myself.

As the weight continued to increase, I started finding it difficult to buy clothes that fitted, so I started buying my garments from Jacamo, or as I prefer to call it, 'fatfucks.co.uk'. I was now too fat for the biggest sizes available on the high street. However, Jacamo was there for the larger man, so I felt it was acceptable.

I was now so lazy and so miserable that I was doing nothing with my life apart from sleep, eat, shit and play X Box. That was the extent of my sorry existence for many months.

One day, after around ten stone of weight gain and at least four years of misery, the penny dropped. I was no longer willing to accept the person I had become. I was tired. Tired of being so fat that my penis was on the missing persons register. Tired of being so lazy that I only left the house to stock up on food. Tired of being so unhealthy that I perspired as if I lived in a Sauna. Tired of my lack of ambition. I had completely lost my identity. I had lost the will to carry on. I'd almost resigned myself to the fact I'd be like this for the rest of my days. No more. No more procrastination. I was a fat fucking loser and the only person who could change that was me. I wanted to be happy, I'd have to make it happen for myself and stop blaming the world for my misery. Yes, the world can be a cruel and nasty place but it can also be a beautiful place. If I wanted to experience this beauty once again, I'd have to stand tall and tell the world that it couldn't beat me. I wanted happiness, so I was going to fight tooth and nail to get it. I had a long journey ahead, but it was my right to be happy and my responsibility to do everything in my power to make it happen.

It is now three months later and today I can say I'm as happy as I can ever remember being. Is my life perfect? No, but I'm now in a position to accept life's imperfections and strive to make life happen. Will I be happy tomorrow? Maybe, maybe not, but I'll be making the right decisions and making sure I have the best chance possible to be.

Today, these isn't a single item of clothing in my wardrobe that doesn't fit, in fact, much of it is too large. My penis has now been removed from the missing persons register and is safe and well, where it belongs. I can now tie my shoes without having a near death experience. I can now walk to the shops without looking and feeling like I've run a marathon. my joints no longer hurt. My feet no longer hurt. I now have the energy to go out and see the world for all its beauty. My mind now has the kind of clarity necessary for me to think and create and plan. I now possess a largely positive attitude and look forward to the challenges and opportunities each day brings. Exercise and healthy eating are now a part of my life and not a sacrifice. I'm no longer Big Trev, I'm now A Bit Smaller Trev.

I now remember what it feels like to be happy. My life has changed, hopefully forever and although I still have a long way to go until I'm the size and level of fitness I want to be, I'm over half way there. In three months I've lost over five stone in weight, weight that I never want to see again.

Life is difficult and full of hurdles, but I ready to take these on, head-on. I will not be beaten by life.

Next week, I weigh myself and measure my vitals. I'll be another step closer. I've taken control of my life, and it feels incredible. If anyone reads this and has something in their life they want to change, but doubt their ability to do so, don't. You have strength and reserves you're not even aware of. Anything is possible. You don't have to accept a life of unhappiness. Make a change and you'll achieve things you never knew were possible.

Here's to the next nine months. Bring it the fuck on.

'If something comes easily to you, it's not important to you. The important things in life and those that matter the most, are the things you have to fight to get and fight to keep. Never stop fighting for your right to pursue happiness'.

Radio Gaga and The Lardarse Express

Evening, all!

It's the end of week twelve. Next week's blog will fall on the three month mark of this journey of mine, which is really rather cool.

This week has been pretty good. In terms of diet, I'm still well on track and still desire shitty food much less than I used to, although I do still experience the occasional sensation that I should have a blow out and stuff my face, like when I have something to celebrate, for example. I just have to remember that that person is not me anymore and give myself a mental slap round the chops and all is well.

In terms of exercise, I've been to the gym three times this week and had a couple of other exercise sessions outside of that.

It's been another relatively busy week, in which I've really begun to push my business forward. It turns out that losing weight makes you more productive. Who's have thunk it, eh? All those years as a lazy fuck were partially down to my being a fat fuck. Wonders will never cease.

I've been relentlessly hounding Facebook and Twitter with news of my Radio appearance, which was an awesome experience and evidence of my new proactive attitude. I won't bore you to tears with the details, so have a look on my Facebook profile for details, if you haven't done so already.

I have to mention, that emotionally I've been up and down this week and after the huge high of being on the radio, I suffered somewhat of a fall out over the following day or so. I sometimes forget that I have Bipolar Disorder, because the last few months have been so good. Perhaps I'm having a Hypomanic episode. Fuck knows. All I can do is ride the waves and see where they take me. 

As I'm sure you're aware, it's weigh and measure week, so here are the stats:

Start - 12/08/2011                          End of week 10 - 23/10/2011

Weight - 168 kg                             Weight - 137.2 kg                                 
Chest - 53 ins                                         Chest - 48 ins                                         
Waist - 57 ins                                 Waist - 48.5 ins
Upper Arm left - 18 ins                    Upper Arm left - 17.2 ins
Forearm left - 14 ins                        Forearm left - 13.4 ins
Upper Arm right - 17 ins                  Upper Arm right - 16.6 ins
Forearm left - 13.5 ins                     Forearm right - 13 ins
Thigh left - 34 ins                           Thigh left - 29.6 ins
Calf left - 21 ins                              Calf left - 20 ins
Thigh right - 34 ins                          Thigh right - 29.1 ins
Calf right - 22 ins                            Calf right - 20.9 ins


I'm really happy with these results. I've passed the all important 30kg weight loss mark, which equates to around 67lbs. Next time you gym-goers go to the gym, pick up 30kg. That shit is pretty hefty. It's hard to believe that 30kg has left my body. How the fuck was I managing to lift my fat arse off the sofa?


These results also mean that I'm around 2lbs away from my Christmas target of 5st. Therefore, my new Christmas target is 6st. Let's see if I can nail it.


I'm fully aware that although the halfway mark looms near, it makes me realise that I have to do it all over again. Although if I can do it once, I can do it twice!


So, in summary, this week was a good one. I'm still on track and starting to actually get myself out there and live my life! Join me next week for the big three month blog!


'Anything is possible in life. Never say never, apart from those two times'.

Progress and Setbacks

Dear World

This week has been a solid mixture of progress and shite. I  had drinking sessions on two occasions this week, both of which resulted in a truly shocking following day. I've found in recent weeks, that the medication I take for my Bipolar Disorder is hitting me a lot harder than it used you, presumably because I'm now four stone lighter than I was eleven weeks ago. There's a lot less of me, so these tablets kick the living shit out of me if I don't take them at the right time of day. I've found it increasingly difficult to wake up in the morning as a result. The combination of the now harsh medication and a few drinkypoos results in feeling abosultely terrible the following day - I can barely function. Therefore I've made a decision to quit alcohol for the foreseeable future. It seems that drinking completely stunts the huge progress I've been making, so that's it, no more booze. I need to focus on myself, my healing and my new life of drive, motivation and ambition. I need to do everything in my power to ensure nothing affects this.

This week I've been busy with job interviews and painting. I curated a cubicle at Ben's Canteen, which was great but took me a solid eleven hours of painting! Also, I painted group portrait of Christian O'Connell and his Absolute Radio Breakfast Show team. I spoke to Christian on Thursday, and after a further discussion with his producer, I'm going to have the opportunity to appear on the show and present my painting/plug my business. this is super exciting and I'll keep you posted on what happens.

I unfortunately received a couple of job rejections this week, which, although disappointing, are just part of life and I'll keep plugging away.

My diet has been really good and I'm continuing to lose weight, the evidence of which will appear on next week's blog. Unfortunately, for a combination of reasons I've only been to the gym once this week, which isn't at all good enough. I've also sacked off a couple of training sessions at Samaritans. Like I said, the booze has a lot to answer for.

Next week, I've promised myself to be more proactive and focussed. This is starting tonight with a chilled out evening and early night. I have a good feeling about the next seven days, so I'll do all I can to make it a good one.

Overall, I'm definitely still on track, thanks to how good my diet has been, but I need to up my game in more than one area. Watch this space, next week's blog will be epic, I promise.

"Progress in life is like driving. Sometimes, you move forward quickly, sometimes slowly and sometimes not at all. Sometimes you even have to move backwards. You have to avoid unexpected obstacles and occasionally take detours. However, what remains constant is your destination. If you keep focussed, you'll always get there eventually".

See you next week.

The Wounded Demons

Alright? It's the end of week ten and I'm pleased to report that things are going pretty swimmingly. This week has been one of temptation and a genuinely busy diary, but things have not fallen by the wayside. In my last blog post, I told you all I would go to the gym Monday-Friday, but in reality, this simply wasn't possible. I've had portraits to paint, appointments to attend, volunteering to do, plans to make and people to see. I managed to visit the gym three times though, and had three pretty good, old-fashioned workouts. In terms of diet, I've most certainly settled in to that and it now feels like standard procedure to eat three, modest and healthy meals a day. Do I still feel the occasional pinch of tempation? Yes, but hardly ever. A big test this week was preparing my nephew's fifth birthday party with my Sister and Mum. We made Cake Pops, little chocolate cake balls, covered in melted chocolate and decorated with sweets. I can say with some confidence that each cake pop contains approximately 75 million calories, give or take. They the richest and most awesome things in the universe. Making them without drinking pints of melted chocolate was tough, but I'm defeating my demons and am realising that I DON'T HAVE TO EAT EVERYTHING I SEE. Also, I've discussed my unhealthy relationship with food on previous blogs. Sometimes, when I have something to celebrate, or I'm fucked off about something, I still think to myself, 'Right, I'm going home to eat the world and lay in bed'. Sometimes I forget that I don;t do that shit anymore, then I remember and laugh. I'm so proud that I can experience emotions without turning to food. 

I know I write like someone who resents food, but this isn't the case, I LOVE food. I'm forever watching cooking shows and love to cook, neither am I a food fascist. I can occasionally treat myself to certain things, but my desire to eat them in the first place has reduced. I really don't feel like I deprive myself of anything. I eat what I want to eat, and it just so happens that I only really want to eat healthy food. Like I said, I do occasionally get tempted to scoff some shit or other, but I now have faculties in place to say no, which I previously did not possess.

In other news, I now wear my belt at the tightest possible setting and it feels fantastic. The physical trasnformation I'm going through is such that my clothes fit a little better each and every time I wear them. Another of the biggest issues I had when I was at my fattest was the fact I sweated so fucking much. Honestly, I often looked like I'd been caught in a torrential downpour, such was the minging extent of my perspiration. This really has changed now. Evidence of this was yesterday in fact, when I helped set up/clear up Noah's party. I was lugging tables and chairs around, with not so much as a hint of the dreaded sweat.

Other news this week is that I've been painting a few portraits and loving it. Also, I'm curating a cubicle at Ben's Canteen, a wonderful bar/restaurant in Clapham. I'll be painting an awesome mural for the lovely people who run it, which should get me some more gigs. I also have an interview as a shop manager at Marie Curie Cancer Care on Wednesday. If I can get that job, it will be an awesomw way to pay the bills and support my other projects. Wish me luck....

Right, I can't put this off any further. It's time for my bi-weekly weight and measurement report. Here goes:

Start - 12/08/2011                          End of week 10 - 23/10/2011

Weight - 168 kg                             Weight - 141.9 kg                                 
Chest - 53 ins                                         Chest - 49.5 ins                                         
Waist - 57 ins                                 Waist - 50 ins
Upper Arm left - 18 ins                    Upper Arm left - 17 ins
Forearm left - 14 ins                        Forearm left - 13.8 ins
Upper Arm right - 17 ins                  Upper Arm right - 16.5 ins
Forearm left - 13.5 ins                     Forearm right - 13.2 ins
Thigh left - 34 ins                           Thigh left - 30.7 ins
Calf left - 21 ins                              Calf left - 20.5 ins
Thigh right - 34 ins                          Thigh right - 29.5 ins
Calf right - 22 ins                            Calf right - 21.2 ins

Well, what do you think? I'm chuffed to bits, especially considering my limited time for the gym this week. I've now officially passed the four stone mark, which is huge. I'm almost feeling like a proper person again!

Again, if you want to see previous results, have a look at my previous entries, blah blah.


In conclusion, I'm becoming increasingly busy, which is testament to my increased energy levels, I'm still training hard when I go to the gym, I'm still eating well, I'm still losing weight and still feeling better with every day that passes. If I can keep this up, my target is well within my reach. Ahead of me is another busy week, but I promise I'll be a good boy.


'It is said that time is the best healer, I disagree. You can have all the time in the world, but without being honest and communicative with yourself and possessing insight, you'll never heal'.


See you next week, you lovely lot. x

Wardrobes, Paranoia, Doubts and Renewed Determination

Evening, all! We've officially passed the two month mark of my new life and I love it. I can now fit into everything in my wardrobe and I believe I'm right in saying I'm the thinnest I've been in a good two or three years. I'm so proud of how far I've come and how much my life has changed already. However, I have a massive journey ahead of me and feel that I've barely scratched the surface. Yes, it's been two months, but I have another ten to go and I worry that I won't be able to maintain this pace. I'm scared that I'll quit.

I've been training well this week, but not quite to my usual standard, as I'm actually getting increasingly busy and having to juggle a lot more. My volunteering is taking time, my job search and arty farty endeavours are increasing and feel that my gym-going will inevitably suffer for it. I'm pleased to report that my diet is as good as ever. I can now allow myself to eat like a normal person occasionally and not be the food fascist I've become. Generally, I'm delighted with how my relationship with food has changed and how my desire to eat shite has diminished.

I think I'm in danger of becoming too obsessed with this and consequently punishing myself too much. It's important that I continue to work hard and eat well, but I'm reaching a stage at which I get really annoyed with myself if I feel I'm not working as hard as I should be. I need to be careful or I'll end up miserable.

I think I'm going to wipe the slate clean and focus. Tomorrow is Monday. I have a few things to do but I'll hit the gym hard Monday to Friday. I'll eat like an angel and train like a bull. I'll work like a Japanese prisoner of war and sleep like a corpse. That should do it.

Next Sunday is the weigh in and I want a good result, to prove to myself that I haven't started slacking. Bring it the fuck on.

Reflection

Well well well, it's the end of week eight. Week EIGHT! I've been on this journey of mine for nearly two months already. Actually, on reflection, 12th August 2010 already feels like a lifetime ago. The man I was on that day is not the man I am this day. On that fateful day, eight weeks ago, I gave a bingo-winged wave goodbye to the monster I had created. I'm determined to never see that sweaty mess of a man ever again and every day is a step closer to becoming the pysical manifestation of the man I want to and SHOULD be. In the last eight weeks, my Belly and Brain have gone through some profound changes. I see progress every day and every day brings with it excitement and energy. If I can continue on this path, I can only imagine what I will look and feel like in fourty six weeks. I cannot wait.

Some pretty cool things have happened this week. I tightened the belt on my jeans by yet another notch. In fact, I only have one notch left before I have to either buy a new belt or make a new hole in this one (I had to make a hole in it at the other end when I bought it, as it was too small). 

My dear sibling bought me a T Shirt for Christmas last year. It was size Large. I was utterly chuffed that my sister was blind enough to think it would fit me at that size but, alas, my actual size was XXXL. Yesterday, I wore that T Shirt and it fits perfectly. This is just one of the lovely bonuses of the weight loss. I cannot begin to describe the feeling of satisfaction at being able to wear previously ill-fitting clothes for the first time, that look and feel perfect. I'm looking forward to blowing the cobwebs from a few more of the clothes in the deepest, darkest recesses of my wardrobe, as the weeks progress.

Things are also looking up in other areas of my life. My training with Samaritans is going well and I've just signed up to become a volunteer for Mind, the mental health charity. Also, I'm attending an open day at Bromley College in a few weeks, with a view to training to become a Counsellor. This sums up the progress I've made, that I'm now able to draw upon my experiences to help others deal with teir difficulties. I'm still applying for lots of jobs and have a good feeling about one of them. Watch this space. Lastly, I've had a couple of orders for portraits, so maybe my beloved business is in with a chance after all!

Right, on to the facts and figures of the week eight weigh and measure:

Start - 12/08/2011                          End of week 8 - 09/10/2011

Weight - 168 kg                             Weight - 146.5 kg                                 
Chest - 53 ins                                         Chest - 49 ins                                         
Waist - 57 ins                                 Waist - 51.5 ins
Upper Arm left - 18 ins                    Upper Arm left - 17.2 ins
Forearm left - 14 ins                        Forearm left - 13.8 ins
Upper Arm right - 17 ins                  Upper Arm right - 16.8 ins
Forearm left - 13.5 ins                     Forearm right - 13.6 ins
Thigh left - 34 ins                           Thigh left - 31 ins
Calf left - 21 ins                              Calf left - 20.8 ins
Thigh right - 34 ins                          Thigh right - 31 ins
Calf right - 22 ins                            Calf right - 21.1 ins

As per usual, if you want to be reacquainted with my previous results, have a look back at my previous blogs.

I'm delighted with my results so far. So much so, here's a double photo of me. The image on the right was taken on 12th August and the one on the right was taken this very evening.

I hope you can see the results as much as I can feel them. I'm going to see if I can lose a total of five stone by Christmas. If I can manage to do that, I'll be delighted.

Finally, Tuesday 11th October will mark the four year anniversary of my Father's passing. For those of you who have lost one of both parents, my heart goes out to you. For anyone out there who has as least one of their parents left, please do me a favour and give them a huge hug this week.

'Apparently, beauty is only skin deep. This is not the case. Beauty truly lives in every atom of every cell.'

The Balance

This post comes a day late, as I was having some technological issues last night. Apologies to all those who's weekends were empty and devoid of meaning as a result.

Week seven has been and gone. I would be a liar if I said it had been the perfect week of training. This week, I've been in a rather unusual position, I've actually been genuinely busy. I've started my training with The Samaritans, which is great and I've actually had a real, living, breathing social life. I went out on Saturday and spent some quality time on Blackheath with old friends. On Saturday night, I went out for a monumental drink up in Clapham, to celebrate my oldest and dearest friend's birthday. Consequently, I didn't to to the gym on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. The intention was to take a few, well-deserved days off, socialise, enjoy myself and start a heavy week at the gym today (Monday).

I fear I may have a reached a level of obsession with my new life. I felt monumentally guilty for the fact I drank beer at the weekend and took three days off from the gym, even though I still ate really well. I need to remind myself that I still need to live my life and if I obsess about the gym too much, it's going to do more harm than good.

In all honesty, I almost didn't go to the gym today either. My hangover from Saturday night rolled over to a second day and I felt utterly knackered, and frankly, pretty depressed this morning. I managed to fight these feelings and went to the gym, hitting it harder than ever. I am well and truly back in the swing of things and have learnt a valuable lesson in balancing fun and responsibility.

I kicked the living shit out of the cross trainer today, as you can see from the photo. I dominated 1210 calories in 60 minutes. I was pushing hard all the way and it was a phenomenal feeling when I finished. I'm back, and loving every second. I know that I'll have days like today, in which I really, REALLY don't want to go to the gym, but I will fight these feelings and remind myself of why I'm going. I'm changing my life for the better and doing something to make myself, my family, my friends and my darling Dad proud. It's so important that I feel I'm finally doing something that my Dad, wherever he is, will be proud of. Dad always knew I had unrealised potential and I'm sure he was frustrated. Well, Dad, no more. I'm doing this for you, old man! I love you and miss you every day.

I also want to give a special mention to two lovely men whom, before Saturday, I had no idea cared. Matt and Fraz Gilbert. These two gentlemen were out on Saturday night and they told me how impressed and inspired by my blog and progress they were. Their words truly resonated within me and I can't sufficiently articulate how much those kind words meant to me. Thanks, boys!

Anyway, to summarise, life will not always encourage you to continue with personal aspirations, but what's important is learning to balance the things you enjoy with the things that you may not enjoy, but are important all the same.

'Every repetition I perform, every step I walk, every drop of sweat make, is one step closer to making my dreams come true and finally showing my demons that I cannot and will not be beaten'.

See you next week for the weigh in.

Special Edition. Read All About It!

I'm bucking the trend this week, by posting on a Wednesday. I contacted the local press last week, to see if they'd be interested in writing about my weight-loss mission, in the hope that it would not only help keep me motivated, but also reach out to others who want to make a change in their lives. 

A journalist from the Bromley Times called me and told me she was interested in writing a piece on me, for this week's paper. The online article can be found here.

The article mentions this blog and has the URL at the bottom, so this blog entry is for any new readers who have discovered the blog through the paper and want to learn more. Hi!

I'm just over six weeks into my journey and I'm doing well at the moment, although it's still early days. Please feel free to read the blog from the first entry in August, it's a good read!

I wouldn't be very good at my job if I didn't take this opportunity to show you what I do for a living. The article mentions that I'm an Artist. Click here to see my website!

I'd love to have people's feedback on the blog. It means a lot to me that I'm able to create this journal and tell the world what I'm doing. I hope I can inspire others to change their lives for the better.

Anyway, I'll be back on Sunday, with my usual weekly summary. See you then!